You simply must have these conversations before walking down the aisle.
Maybe you’ve been together a while and are considering taking a big step like getting engaged or married. Or perhaps you just started seeing one another and aren’t sure if you should stay the course.
Whatever your situation, a check-in with your partner is never a bad thing.
What makes all the difference is how you approach it, and knowing which questions to ask in order to answer the most critical questions.
Here are 20 important questions to ask yourself and your boyfriend or girlfriend in order to access your relationship before moving forward with a huge step like engagement or moving in together or marriage.
1. Is for better or worse making me better or worse?
Does your partner encourage you to be your best self, or does he or she get intimidated by any triumphs and feel more secure when you’re not putting your best foot forward? Does he or she make you feel secure and loved or do they create drama or leave you sitting in a sea of uncertainty?
Happy, healthy partners bring about a sense of calm and excitement into our lives whereas toxic partners will deplete and demoralize us.
If your co-pilot isn’t reliable and ready to go the long-haul, it’s best to fly solo.
2. Do we really accept one another?
There will always be things you want to change about the people in your life, but no one should be in a situation where they feel they aren’t allowed to be authentic and accepted as the unique, special (yet flawed) person they are.
3. Who am I?
How can you know if your partner is a good match if you have no idea who you are?
Take some time and think about the person you are and want to become. Get to know your values, your non-negotiables and your short and long-term goals.
It’s important to get a good understanding of what you hope to experience and achieve in life and what you truly like and don’t like before you bring someone else into your life.
4. Am I happy to be in this relationship?
The idea of sharing a life together is not to find someone to complete you or make you happy. But let’s face it: being unhappy at home can seep into other areas of your life … and fast.
If you’re always fighting or just generally not feeling great about your twosome, it doesn’t mean you have to bail out (counseling might be a good option) but marrying someone in the hope that it changes things is a bad, bad idea.
5. Am I feeling trapped?
Do you really want to be in this relationship the majority of the time or do you find yourself wishing for a way out? Do you stay because you’ve invested time or are you really invested in your mate? Do you like them or are they just good on paper?
6. What am I doing to hold us back?
Maybe you could be more attentive, more thoughtful, quicker to let things go, or the first to bring up going to counseling. Perhaps you are pushing them away for reasons that stem from your childhood or your friends are doing “what you always do”.
Whatever it is, take this as your sign to step up.
7. Is this relationship balanced?
Do you feel you’re both on the same page in terms of compromise, care, support, effort, and sacrifice? Or is one of you doing most of the giving while the other just sits with their hand out?
8. Can we have fun together?
This one is important. Have you ever seen two people sit across from one another in silence at brunch as though they are being forced to walk through their day together? Not fun.
9. Can we have fun apart?
Co-dependency ain’t cute, y’all.
10. Why am I in this relationship?
Is it because you respect, love, trust, and value the person you are with? Or because you’re afraid of being alone, worried about finances, or have built a life you’re scared to leave?
11. Where is this going?
Living in the now is great, but eventually, the partnership will need a plan or someone will begin to feel anxious.
Are you checking in with one another and aware of the other person’s expectations?
12. Do I really trust my partner?
For some, the immediate response to this can be devastating. If you’re one of them, it’s time to ask why and how you can begin to build or rebuild trust.
Without it, there’s no chance.
13. Am I with a good person?
Knowing what you know about your partner today, would you vouch for them if they were a friend?
14. Am I attracted to my partner?
Physical attraction is hardly the most important component in a relationship, but forcing yourself to be in a relationship with someone who you’re not attracted to just because it’s comfortable or “perfect on paper” isn’t fair to anyone. You will feel resentful and they will feel rejected.
15. Am I a parent or a partner?
Taking care of someone you love is a great thing to do, but when you feel like you’re raising a boyfriend — or worse, a husband — things get a little complicated.
You’ll resent his childish ways. And who wants to sleep with their mom?
16. Does my partner have my back?
Do you feel like you’re a part of a loyal team who stands up for one another, supports one another, and shows a united front (even when the other is not around)? Or do you feel like you’re constantly being thrown under the bus by your mate?
17. Are we looking in the same direction?
Some couples avoid having the big talks (religion, marriage, babies) because they think that, somehow, these things will just work themselves out. By the time they realize they won’t, they’re in a complicated, painful situation that leaves one (or both) feeling a little bit duped.
If you want kids and your partner thinks you’re both living in the now and fine with the status quo, you’re both doing yourselves and one another a disservice (and wasting time).
18. Are we growing together?
Being a human being living on this earth, we all have a right to grow and develop and create a full life for ourselves. Are you and your partner still indulging in your passions (individual and shared) and growing as individuals?
19. Am I still me?
Being in love with someone should not require changing our identity to fit someone else’s idea of who we should be, on any level.
20. What is my gut telling me?
Do you feel like this relationship is healthy and moving at a healthy pace in a positive direction?
You have an intuition for a reason. Listen to yourself.